Harry Derper

imaj: H0gwarts

Looks like somebody got into the Firewhiskey!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Maids

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: HolyMotherOfHnng

For some reason, Harry always acted up in French class, even though he always got detention. I guess you could say he was a sucker for punishment.

Speaking of punishment, I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. While I’ve been moving across the country, I’ve been sadly neglecting my fellow gossipologists, and in apology, here is a roundup of the very, very bad boys and girls of the celebrity world.

 If you got into Hogwarts… (raincoaster)

Swag: I has it! (Ayyyy)

Naughty Potters! (ManoloFood)

James Potter LIVES! (Lolebrity)

Return of the Living Dead (tv shows) (Crasstalk)

Mel Gibson has been a bad, bad boy! (AgentBedhead)

Jewel has a chip (BusyBeeBlogger)

Daisy Lowe is 22 going on 45 (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Zooey “Snobby Cow” Deschanel vs Journo (CelebritySmack)

Beyonce-daddy attempts reputation management (CelebVIPLounge)

Harry Potter, dirty tagger! (CityRag)

Oh everybody! Look, Renee Zellwegger has a new “Aniston Boyfriend” (DailyStab)

Kennedy castoff gets part-time job (EarSucker)

Baby Spice Impersonator earns five quick bucks (FitFabCeleb)

Haven’t seen much of you lately…until you wore THIS! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Shia is full of Shiat (HaveUHeard)

That’s what you get for slumming, Nicki Minaj (HollywoodHiccups)

If finding dwarves hot is wrong, I don’t want to be right (INeedMyFix)

Britney beats back the Bad Boys of Fleet Street (PoorBritney)

Oh come ON, celebrity press. There’s no room in those Wranglers for a royal Babeh! (PopBytes)

Sergio Ramos, you almost make me want to watch soccer. But they wear more clothes than this (SwoonWorthy)

Lindsay Lohan shot! (TheSkinnyChic)

Harry Potter for Breast Cancer

imaj: Roflrazzi via ASaucerFullofSecrets and FuckYeahJulianAssange

Yes, it’s Hogwarts‘ Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you’ll disrobe, Professor Snape will give you a free examination. Line up behind Dan there. And me.

We've finally found something that frightens Lucius Malfoy

imaj: AlanRickmanDaily

Seriously, the Hasty Pudding Club just isn’t In it after this game-changing gif from Hogwart’s year-end pageant. You should see the Facebook pix! And catch Dirty Draco back there getting his Oedipus on. It’s sick and I like it!

Speaking of kinky, I’m going to throw you back to (bare)back link roundups, because I’m crazy like that.

Situation Room Normal, All Fucked Up yet more proof Hillary Clinton is involved in a massive coverup for the takeover of the State Department by Amazonian Vampires. Duh. (raincoaster)

Two million satisfied customers! You like us! You really like us! (why?) (Ayyyy)

To Żubrówka and memories. Ghost stories, Polish vodka, and mystery for a Monday (ManoloFood)

Rick Springfield makes a wish. Too bad Jessie isn’t putting his jailhouse calls through (Lolebrity)

Don’t be Thor about this movie review. Or the pun either. You think it’s easy writing these headlines? (Crasstalk)

Liz Taylor, Marlon Brando, and Michael Jackson walk into a car…no, really. And here’s the transcript of the most epic road trip in American history (ShoeBlogs)

Caption Cheryl Cole. This fresh-faced (although over-radiated) newcomer is hoping to make it big in the States instead of doing the faceplant that Destiny itself has in store for her (RightCeleb)

LiLo is dating LRon? Celebrity Cultists Sobriety Coaches? Oh, this should end well. With the stuff she’s usually on, I bet she CAN see Thetans (AgentBedhead)

Pictoral proof muffin top is not exclusively a female issue. Board shorts and middle aged spread go together like rogaine and ball caps (BusyBeeBlogger)

Angry Patrick vs Animal Ethicists. And seriously, when are they gonna get on that “it’s wrong to eat people” thing with those damn tigers? EH? I wanna know when! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Sarah Jessica Parker attempts to break into country music at least to judge from this hairdo. But IS she closer to g-d? I guess anything to distract attention from her crushing loss in the Derby (CelebritySmack)

Happy Birthday, Bono! My Imaginary Husband (#8? 12? Something like that) is even older than I am! (CelebVIPLounge)

Chaz Bono shows his O face. What? The face of someone being questioned by Oprah. What did you THINK I meant? (DailyStab)

Linnocent about to be L’pleabargain. Yes, avoiding press maelstroms is kind of Lindsay’s thing, isn’t it? This girl has the hardest-working pr in showbiznezz (EarSucker)

Raccoon McPantsless now Raccoon McJobless. Look girlfriend, when you’re replaced as a model by Kelly Osbourne, it’s time to get your shit together (FitFabCeleb)

Union, jacked. Celebrities fly the flag of another country, not their own. On their boobies. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

The Gouvernator now the Schmoozinator, as Schwartzenwhatsit and Caroline Kennedy’s prettier cousin split up (HaveUHeard)

Alicia Silverstone’s baby born underwater, given stupid name, promptly decides to run away from home at earliest convenience. (HollywoodHiccups)

Teenager trash-talks middle aged woman. It’s Bieber vs Helgenberger in the battle of the vaguely Mittel-European surnames! (INeedMyFix)

Susan Lucci becomes Desperate! Gosh, it’s just like old times! Now she can NOT get a nighttime Emmy too! (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears in A Streetcar Named Desire, scored by Moby! Or maybe I made that up, but wouldn’t it be AWESOME??? (PoorBritney)

David Lynch is dating WAY down from the Rossellini days. This one? Pretty much plastic if you ask me. (PopBytes)

I don’t care what position he plays now as long as he’s trainable! Some sports dude in his tightie blackie silkies! (Swoonworthy)

Itchy hips? Looks like Rihanna picked up more than just a black eye from Chris Brown (TheSkinny)

Fergie gets Lucky. Not that one; she never gets a break. The surgically modified one, not the toe-sucker one (TheSkinnyChic)

That is one Fucking Sirius conversation

Imaj: PityTheLiving

And thus, a thousand fanfics were born.