He'll do it, too!

imaj: MakeMe

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why they call him the Potions Master.

Speaking of nauseating famous people, here’s what’s new in the celebusphere today.

Anon and On: what’s everyone’s favorite digital anarchist hive mind up to lately? Only announcing its one year plan to change the world. Yeah, good luck with that. Also, who the hell takes marketing tips from Stalin? (raincoaster)

Taste the Biscuit: whatever it is, it tastes like 70′s synth-jazz and looks like your grandparents playing a set of Iron Maiden at Walmart. (Manolofood)

Barefoot boy revealed: did you guess our long-toed stranger correctly? Check out this fabulous, completely imaginary prize! (Ayyyy)

The Fellowship of the Blind Item: can you guess which LOTR star came on to Sean Bean and got a soaking instead of a tumble? (Lolebrity)

Favorite Movie Soundtracks: what’s yours? Oh really? That’s not as good as mine. I mean, mine is pretty obscure, and you won’t have heard of it, but I bought the soundtrack before the script was even written, back when it was an independent comic and…OW! WHY’D YOU HIT ME??? (Crasstalk)

Spandex is a privilege, not a right, Ke$ha: nobody wants to see your elephanttoe, girl, particularly not with shiny highlights. (AgentBedhead)

Anthony Weiner is a wolf in she’s clothing: and really, anything I could write after that is superfluous, no? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Vanessa Hudgens has apparently hired Anthony Weiner as her stylist: why yes, my laundress always does the ironing in skivvies and four inch heels, doesn’t yours? You must not work in Congress! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Get to know Christian Slater in the Biblical sense: good heavens, clickbaiting? MOI? (CelebVIPLounge)

Ahnold’s babymama is apparently the dumbest person on Earth: how’d you like to start out in life with those two as parents? A condom full of walnuts and an obese plastic surgery addict who does for free things that any self-respecting mistress charges for. (EarSucker)

You’ve gotta get up pretty early to put one over on Kim Cattrall. And while you’re up, you’d better mix her a drink if you know what’s good for you. (FitFabCeleb)

Luke, I am your mother: Natalie Portman spawns successfully! Even I can’t snark on a newborn baby, so that’s all there is to this headline. Awww. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Five bucks says Joss Stone arranged this: kidnap/murder plot exposed. In other news, Joss Stone still exists. (HaveUHeard)

Liquid Dancer will melt your brain: this man makes Michael Jackson look like Jerry Seinfeld on the dancefloor. (HelloGiggles)

Check out John Edwards’ OKCupid pix: oh wait, that’s his mug shot! God, aren’t you sad you didn’t get to vote for this show pony after all? (HollywoodHiccups)

Justin Timberlake enjoys smoking weed to turn his brain off: the rest of us just listen to his music for that. (INeedMyFix)

WHY did I forget about this Great Dane? And why did I forget I was going with the colon format on these damn links? Because he’s so hot I got discombobulated, that’s why. (SwoonWorthy)

Oh great: Kate Hudson snares another sucker. Start the countdown to the breakup and heroin rehab. (TheSkinnyChic)

Dr Who is Doctor Oooh

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: TheRamblingsAndInterestsOfMyLife

From David Tennant to this…it’s almost as good as back in the Peter Davison days, although nobody will ever top Tom Baker as The Doctor, if only because Tom Baker is genuinely nutty as a fruitcake, and delightfully so as well. Still, jelly babies are fattening and Hedi Slimane apears to be the costumer now, so sacrifices must be made. I’m just glad to get rid of the Maudlin Billie Piper storyline.

Maudlin Billie Piper is not attractive.

Shut up, Rose Tyler

imaj: We<3It

Five bucks says he was gonna say “You have chlamydia.”

Speaking of cooties, here are your sexy celebrity gossip links for Monday.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)

Rocky Horror Picture Show by Michaelangelo

imaj: TheBigBlueBox

When Michaelangelo ran out of sable for his brushes and started using his own (intimate) hairs, he couldn’t help but think it started to influence his work. But he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Some things are masterpieces. Some things are Kardashians. That’s Life.

& Style.

Hotter than EuroDisney: it’s the Abortionplex! Yelp, the greatest website of the bourgeoisie, reaches its apotheosis in this collection of reviews of the Onion’s fictional Abortionplex. Come for the D&C’s, stay for the Mojitos! (raincoaster)

Servicey! How to open a bottle without a bottle opener. And NO, “twist it off” isn’t the answer unless you’re the Incredible Hulk. I knew the Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulk was a friend of mine. And YOU, sir, are no – you know what? I’ve used that joke too many times. (ManoloFood)

Do the Maliboogie! You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out, with great effort, because you were as stupid as Katie Holmes, and wore three inch heels on the beach! (Ayyyy)

Steve Buscemi welcomes you to Emo Disney. So I guess today’s gossip blogs are travel themed. Still, I’d totally pay to see Steve as Mickey Mouse, directed by Quentin Tarantino. When you get your picture taken with him, ask if you can hold the severed hand. (Lolebrity)

“Oh I say!” says Prince Philip. “No, seriously, I said that? I said THAT? Well bloody hell, you don’t think I was SOBER at the time, do you? Quick, blame the fucking peasants!” (Crasstalk)

Lady Gaga is completely tasteless. The GooGoo Diet? Real dieters stick with The Drinker’s Diet, even if they dumped the man who invented it! If it was good enough for Dino, it’s good enough for you, honey. (AgentBedhead)

George Harrison pities the fool. Then wonders why a Canadian gossip blogger is referencing Mister T on a Beatle post, then shrugs amiably as well as posthumously, realizing that nobody who lived through the 80′s escaped unchanged by them. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Timberlake DID NOT GO THERE! And you can’t make him go, you with your tawdry, nicotine-stained fashionistas. GOD! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cougar Sausage! Someone needs to tell Janice Dickinson that turkey skin and gristle in a tube sock is not an attractive look. (CelebritySmack)

Jet Skis fail to take a victim. This time. Hey, that gives me an idea for a horror series. GET ME ELI ROTH! (CelebVIPLounge)

LeAnn Rimes Fatty Fat Fat Fatso Fatty Fatpants. There, if that doesn’t get me trashed on Jezebel, nothing ever will. (CityRag)

Blake Lively is apparently spotted like a hyena under all those clothes, or at least that’s what her publicist is being paid to say. Do you think she ever looks back at her humanities degree and wonders where she went wrong? (DailyStab)

Courtney Love, aristocrat. Stiffing servants like she was born to it: Thatta girl! At this rate one of them will poison you shortly. (EarSucker)

It’s Bimbo vs Bimbo in the Seaside Smackdown of the Season. In related news, Jon Derek wants her number. (FitFabCeleb)

The Womb Broom Room: sixteen celebrities sporting mustaches. And not ONE is an Italian woman (well, we’re not sure about Efron)! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Sue Sylvester lays the smackdown on that uppity Wasilla Hillbilly. In related news, Jane Lynch for president! (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber is so totally perving to this topless massage picture in private. That’s an auto-timed Twitpic if ever I saw one; young man, you go to your room and LEAVE THE STARLET BEHIND! (HollywoodHiccups)

RPattz and KStew’s wedding video! ZOMG CAN YOU BELIEVE BREAKING DAWN IS COMING??? ZOMG can you believe how much longer we have to pretend to be excited about this shit? Someone stop that woman before she writes another! (INeedMyFix)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s latest drama: this outfit. Is that an oversized, beaded beige Iroquois jumpsuit? (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears: too special for the unassisted human ear. Like the gods of ancient Greece, she requires the services of a special interpreter in order to make herself appreciated by mere mortals. (PoorBritney)

Oh, US TOO, PARIS! (PopBytes)

Squeeeeeeee! Peter Brady is single! Cougars, start your engines! (Swoonworthy)

This is as close to amputee porn as Reese Witherspoon is ever going to get, so enjoy? Also, she looks like she’s ready to claw your faceoff, so bonus Catfight Points. (TheSkinny)

Avril Lavigne doesn’t give an F about Americans. But she gave one TO Americans. Oh, those kooky Quebecois! (TheSkinnyChic)

Steve Buscemi welcomes you to Emo Disney.

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: FuckYeahDonutParty

Featuring Christina Ricci as Minnie. This groundbreaking remake of Steamboat Willy is brought to you by Quentin Tarantino.

Tom Hanks and Gary Sinese are proud playing puppehs

imaj: TomHanksIsALotOfAnimals, a great new entry into the ranks of Fan Tumblrs

ZOMG, Tom Hanks and Gary Sinese are, like, totally ANIMAGII!!! This will make the big finale in Harry Potter that much more interesting, don’t you think?

Now here’s your pack of scandalous celebrities for today.

Operation Global Media Domination: the Craigslist Situation. I haz a famus! I haz a famus! Now, where’s my goddam book deal? (raincoaster)

Friday Caption Contest: Royals in Skivvies Edition. Nice underoos there, Prince Hot Ginge (Ayyyy)

Rack On! This dress is a lovely cut, and I intend to cut a rug in it very soon. (ManoloFood)

Stephen Harper vs Barack Obama, it’s 1812 The Rematch! (Crasstalk)

Pauly Shore needs your help! Well, Pauly Shore needs help; we all knew that! (AgentBedhead)

Closer. Coffee is for Closer? I’d pay to see NIN score the rock opera Glengarry Glen Ross! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful child in the universe. Well, since I was little. And not counting Johnny Depp’s two. Still, Mazel Tov, Shiloh! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

RIP Jeff Conaway. Naturally this includes a quote from the rehab doc who failed to help him. (CelebritySmack)

Are YOU spongeworthy? Enter this giveaway and find out! (CelebVIPLounge)

Mindless summer fun is the BESTEST summer fun! And the slip ‘n slide adds a whole new dimension of fun to swinger parties. (CityRag)

Danica Patrick gets a real job! Instead of modeling for cheesy advertising shoots to feed and clothe herself. You go, girl! (DailyStab)

Amy Winehouse says Yes, Yes, Yes! Yes, it’s a cheap joke, but she earned it. (EarSucker)

Lindsay Lohan makes her money lying down. As we all suspected would happen sooner or later. (FitFabCeleb)

Fifteen celebs wearing pearl necklaces. You already clicked this, didn’t you, you dirty-minded bastard? (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Lady Gaga doing an awesome impression of Marylou Whitney as a rubber fetish stripper. No, really. Must be seen to be believed. (HaveUHeard)

Sarah Jessica Parker news: I know how she does it: PHOTOSHOP! (HollywoodHiccups)

ZOMG JLO SEX TAPE!!!! Why am I still typing, you’ve long since clicked the link, haven’t you? (INeedMyFix)

Adam Lambert pulls a Tavi. If you didn’t get that reference, I’m kind of proud of you. (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears. Internet Drama. Fans. Flames. You know you want to click when the boss isn’t looking. (PoorBritney)

Urban Outfitters = Urban OutandOutThievers. No seriously, this is very real. Don’t buy their stuff. (PopBytes)

Jon Hamm scores! With video! You’ve already clicked away, we both know this. (Swoonworthy)

Apparently cocaine is not fattening. In totally unrelated news, Tara Reid is losing weight! (TheSkinnyChic)