He'll do it, too!

imaj: MakeMe

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why they call him the Potions Master.

Speaking of nauseating famous people, here’s what’s new in the celebusphere today.

Anon and On: what’s everyone’s favorite digital anarchist hive mind up to lately? Only announcing its one year plan to change the world. Yeah, good luck with that. Also, who the hell takes marketing tips from Stalin? (raincoaster)

Taste the Biscuit: whatever it is, it tastes like 70′s synth-jazz and looks like your grandparents playing a set of Iron Maiden at Walmart. (Manolofood)

Barefoot boy revealed: did you guess our long-toed stranger correctly? Check out this fabulous, completely imaginary prize! (Ayyyy)

The Fellowship of the Blind Item: can you guess which LOTR star came on to Sean Bean and got a soaking instead of a tumble? (Lolebrity)

Favorite Movie Soundtracks: what’s yours? Oh really? That’s not as good as mine. I mean, mine is pretty obscure, and you won’t have heard of it, but I bought the soundtrack before the script was even written, back when it was an independent comic and…OW! WHY’D YOU HIT ME??? (Crasstalk)

Spandex is a privilege, not a right, Ke$ha: nobody wants to see your elephanttoe, girl, particularly not with shiny highlights. (AgentBedhead)

Anthony Weiner is a wolf in she’s clothing: and really, anything I could write after that is superfluous, no? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Vanessa Hudgens has apparently hired Anthony Weiner as her stylist: why yes, my laundress always does the ironing in skivvies and four inch heels, doesn’t yours? You must not work in Congress! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Get to know Christian Slater in the Biblical sense: good heavens, clickbaiting? MOI? (CelebVIPLounge)

Ahnold’s babymama is apparently the dumbest person on Earth: how’d you like to start out in life with those two as parents? A condom full of walnuts and an obese plastic surgery addict who does for free things that any self-respecting mistress charges for. (EarSucker)

You’ve gotta get up pretty early to put one over on Kim Cattrall. And while you’re up, you’d better mix her a drink if you know what’s good for you. (FitFabCeleb)

Luke, I am your mother: Natalie Portman spawns successfully! Even I can’t snark on a newborn baby, so that’s all there is to this headline. Awww. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Five bucks says Joss Stone arranged this: kidnap/murder plot exposed. In other news, Joss Stone still exists. (HaveUHeard)

Liquid Dancer will melt your brain: this man makes Michael Jackson look like Jerry Seinfeld on the dancefloor. (HelloGiggles)

Check out John Edwards’ OKCupid pix: oh wait, that’s his mug shot! God, aren’t you sad you didn’t get to vote for this show pony after all? (HollywoodHiccups)

Justin Timberlake enjoys smoking weed to turn his brain off: the rest of us just listen to his music for that. (INeedMyFix)

WHY did I forget about this Great Dane? And why did I forget I was going with the colon format on these damn links? Because he’s so hot I got discombobulated, that’s why. (SwoonWorthy)

Oh great: Kate Hudson snares another sucker. Start the countdown to the breakup and heroin rehab. (TheSkinnyChic)

Dr Who is Doctor Oooh

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: TheRamblingsAndInterestsOfMyLife

From David Tennant to this…it’s almost as good as back in the Peter Davison days, although nobody will ever top Tom Baker as The Doctor, if only because Tom Baker is genuinely nutty as a fruitcake, and delightfully so as well. Still, jelly babies are fattening and Hedi Slimane apears to be the costumer now, so sacrifices must be made. I’m just glad to get rid of the Maudlin Billie Piper storyline.

Maudlin Billie Piper is not attractive.

Shut up, Rose Tyler

imaj: We<3It

Five bucks says he was gonna say “You have chlamydia.”

Speaking of cooties, here are your sexy celebrity gossip links for Monday.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)

Julian Assange STOP IN THE NAME OF LULZ

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: StanleyVarghese

Oh, Julian. Anything you say. This reminds me of the time Wikileaks was looking for PR help and the ad stated “the successful applicant will be disciplined” and then I had to go have some alone time and a cold shower.

Moving on…here are some of the lesser heavenly bodies in the constellation:

Did I say I was finished with Julian Assange? Oh baby, I haven’t even STARTED yet. Here are his delicious links (insert dirty play on words of your choice here) plus more evidence he thinks of himself as Bill the Galactic Hero. (raincoaster)

Guess the Mystery Feet! This is a former A-lister with Garbo-esque tendencies and major sex appeal. Also: you KNOW what they say about men with long toes… (Ayyyy)

Will it saber? With a massive freakin’ Kenyan Spearhead? You bet your sweet bippy it will! GI Joe meets Funnest Bartender On Earth in the latest in the beloved YouTube series starring Matt Stache. (ManoloFood)

Arianna Huffington is so trendy! She’s seen here attempting to drain a media rival of blood. Bad news, Ari: you’re thirty years too late! (Lolebrity)

Caption Obama and his new best friend. Captioning iz hard, yo! (Crasstalk)

II, Claudius. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a sequel for everything. (AgentBedhead)

Can a blogger get a Like, y’all? Vote for sleepy Bee and win eternal gratitude and possibly backlinks! (BusyBeeBlogger)

11 things you did not know about Jennifer Hudson but were obviously too afraid to ask, right? I mean, she’s pretty intimidating since the Oscar and all, eh? God, that woman terrifies me. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cocaine is a helluva drug. This is not a repeat from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007… (CelebritySmack)

The Social Climber Formerly Known as Kate Middleton is not resting on her laurels. In fact, her laurels are shrinking. (CelebVIPLounge)

And the #1 thing you didn’t know about Jennifer Hudson: she was hospitalized today. (DailyStab)

Insufferable celebrity complains about insufferable celebrities who complain about people. Fuckit, I only click to Taylor Swift stories for eyeliner tips. (EarSucker)

Billboard becomes target. As Bieliebers descend upon convenience stores nationwide in hormone-crazed fugue state, actual magazine readers suffer. (FitFabCeleb)

Is your Bichon Frise a total Celine-diva? Your Rottweiler ready for prime time? Your Vizla good enough for The Voice? Yes, it’s an Animal Lip Dub video contest! (HelloGiggles)

Russell Crowe is no Roundhead! Team Cavalier here! In other news, if he ever tweets his penis we’ll all be able to pick it out of a lineup more easily, so thanks for that, Russ! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Put yourself in Shania Twain’s shoes. Literally. (HaveUHeard)

Selina Gomez is taking desperate measures to protect herself from Bieber fans. What, no “exhaustion” dearie? (HollywoodHiccups)

Ryan Reynolds is INSATIABLE! Yeah, it’s a clickbaiting headline. What, you expected more from me? (INeedMyFix)

Britney covers Madonna. No, it doesn’t mean that, you perv. Although I did think of leading with “Britney ON Madonna” as I’m all clickbaity today. (PoorBritney)

Goopy on Teh Ghehs. Because that’s ALL they need. (PopBytes)

48 sexy shots of Johnny Depp. In other news it’s Johnny Depp’s birthday, but why am I still typing? You’re not gonna read anything past that link, are you? (SwoonWorthy)

Shania Twain goes down. That’s a three-point landing the hard way. (TheSkinnyChic)

Sean Connery moustache you a question

imaj: FuckYeahAlbuquerque via OrganDonationsAccepted

Cannot be unheard. What does this man have against Polident, seriously? You KNOW what I’m talking about!

Well, if you don’t, these people do. Presenting today’s Hump Day ALL CAPS celebrity links:

The Masked Bandit of Chinatown a tragidramedary in three parts. Is one sexy masked Cary Elwes lookalike too much to ask, O Cruel Universe? IS IT, MOTHERFUCKER??? (raincoaster)

Social media trainer overcome by uncontrollable urge to self-promote in celebrity gossip roundup LAST CHANCE TO REGISTER FOR TOMORROW’S SOCIAL MEDIA WORKSHOP MOTHERFUCKERS! (raincoastermedia)

Mystery Sockster REVEALED! Did you guess the holey celebrity correctly? and no, I am not going to use the word motherfucker this time. Oh, damn. (Ayyyy)

DUCK AND UNCOVER: the Holy Hand Grenade Cocktail! Complete with 1200 words, several pictures, some cheap jokes, a YouTube of Bert from Sesame Street doing a Travis Bickle impersonation, and one recipe. (Manolofood)

DON’T TEXT WITH TEXAS or something like that. Remember when Lawrence Fishburne stopped King Lear dead and bawled out someone in the audience whose phone was going off? Yeah, this is like that. In Texas. (Crasstalk)

The HOFFSICKLE, BITCHES! I’d have to wash my own mouth out with soap if I put this in there. In related news, can you get chlamydia in your mouth? No reason I ask. (AgentBedhead)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE NAVARRO. He’s going to celebrate by marrying two lesbian strippers and starting a trend to smoke heroin from a corncob pipe while riding a tricycle. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Bimbo got back! Royal In-Law got second place. And EVERYBODY’s got too much eyeliner lately. Get offa my lawn. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Brigitte Neilson still ticking at minute 17 of her celebrity. Congratulations on your new I BOINKED THE SPERMINATOR newsworthyness after all this time. (CelebritySmack)

Coming soon: Jason Mraz engaged to James Franco. And ALSO probably confessing affair with Ahnold. (CelebVIPLounge)

Honest to blog, I thought this said Nicholas Cage’s son was hospitalized for Mental Evacuation. WAY funnier that way. (DailyStab)

Morning television just got a little nippier, thanks to Khloe Kardashian. Like, MANHOLE COVER levels of nippier. (EarSucker)

David Beckham WANTS Justin Bieber. I…I…uh… (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrities wearing the “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey Chapeau.” MAIS OUI! Vieux Chapeaux sont le Dernier Cri et le Nouvelle Vague et c’est tout de mon Francais que je can remembre? BON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Weiner eats crow, Fallon-style. This is NOT a gay porno, I promise! (HaveUHeard)

The hottest metal band you would never believe ROCK OUT! No, seriously, that’s actually them! (HelloGiggles)

My mother always used to say when you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. In other news, SOMEBODY BOINKED A KARDASHIAN again. (HollywoodHiccups)

This headline makes it totally sound like  zombie porn. Would YOU see zombie porn? I so totally would watch the hell out of a dirty version of Carnival of Souls. In unrelated news, where’d I put that DVD? (INeedMyFix)

Who cares if there’s no story here, it’s a picture of GERARD BUTLER SURFING, PEOPLE! (MathewGuiver)

The decorative and doubtless charming and erudite Matt Bomer gives me a LADY BOMER if you know what I mean and hey, I think you do. Yes, this is what I do for a living. Mother would be so proud. (SwoonWorthy)

A Champagne company sponsored an event where there were hot polo players and Hugh Jackman and DIDN’T INVITE ME??? That’s it, my publicist is fired! (TheSkinnyChic)

Yes, dear, you are really on the red carpet in your undies.

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: Celebitchy

Judy Moody Nearly Nudie! Don’t worry, dear, we’ve all had those dreams where you show up on the red carpet in your underwear. This is just proof positive that stars live out their dreams in real life, for good or ill. Or maybe she’s just living out the dream of that creepy fan who always sits in the front row, sweating profusely.

Let’s look at some of the alternate realities that celebrities have laid upon us recently.

Batman shows off his Buggysnake, his birds, and his Bat Moves in Badass Brazilian Bat Dance Action! (raincoaster)

Name That Sock! Holey celebrity footwear, Batman, whoever that is should be arrested! (Ayyyy)

Blogger pimps out own social media workshops in shocking gossip link roundup non sequitur! (raincoastermedia)

Axl Rose, living avatar of Don’t Dad, thunders towards the stage edge, and a hundred fans leap backwards rather than be crushed beneath him like so many twiglets under an orca. (Lolebrity)

Game of Thrones recap: all the news you ever wanted on the best series you’re probably not watching. (Crasstalk)

Cambridge Scholar? You might be good enough to sign on as a servant at Casa Goopy. Yes, it’ll be torture working for her, but think of the book deal! (AgentBedhead)

It’s a man, baby! Blind item not quite as blind as this retro leading man might wish. (BusyBeeBlogger)

NOBODY ignores Anna Wintour and lives. Sienna Miller had better start saying her prayers (and also laying off the facial fillers). (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Did Jessica Biel get her pity fuck after all? Gerard Butler says…she’ll take what she can get; wouldn’t you? (CelebritySmack)

Strangely, I don’t recall the nude scene in Shakespeare. That’s not going to stop this underage starlet, though! (CelebVIPLounge)

Lauryn Hill is a Duggar at heart! She’s Sexto-Mom! (DailyStab)

Whiner Weiner’s weiner winner! Hey, there’s a reason they call it “congress”! (EarSucker)

I’m not sure if that’s a wardrobe malfunction or the best idea EVER! Justin Timberlake can lift and separate me any time! (FitFabCeleb)

Dear ScarJo: ProTip: this is not how you protect your privacy. You’re welcome. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jennifer Aniston would really, really like you to believe her this time, and so would both their publicists. (HaveUHeard)

There will be no One Night in Jennifer Lopez tape. Not if Jennifer Lopez can help it. (HollywoodHiccups)

Photo PROOF Gerard Butler looks like the Great Gazoo! I’m not kidding, people. Cannot be unseen! (INeedMyFix)

Is this a photo of Jack Black playing with himself on the red carpet? Yes. Yes, I’m pretty sure that it is. (MathewGuiver)

Rafael Nadal shows you one reason to love white jeans. Well, technically this might be two reasons… (SwoonWorthy)