Kim Kardashian beat by dog

img: HuffingtonPost

Who IS Kris Humphries dating now, anyway?

Kim and Kris Kardashian Kall it Kwitz

imaj: Facebook

Well, that should settle that. If those two Krazy Kids Kant Make it, Who Kan?

Kim Kardashian is Tawdry Hepburn

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: StyleWithAnna

 Yes, Kim Kardashian, reality princess and famous amateur pornstar, is the epitome of style and grace, an absolute Sabrina, at least to those who think Snooki is this generation’s Mary Tyler Moore.

And they DO exist.

Julian Assange STOP IN THE NAME OF LULZ

imaj: Lolebrity
sorse: StanleyVarghese

Oh, Julian. Anything you say. This reminds me of the time Wikileaks was looking for PR help and the ad stated “the successful applicant will be disciplined” and then I had to go have some alone time and a cold shower.

Moving on…here are some of the lesser heavenly bodies in the constellation:

Did I say I was finished with Julian Assange? Oh baby, I haven’t even STARTED yet. Here are his delicious links (insert dirty play on words of your choice here) plus more evidence he thinks of himself as Bill the Galactic Hero. (raincoaster)

Guess the Mystery Feet! This is a former A-lister with Garbo-esque tendencies and major sex appeal. Also: you KNOW what they say about men with long toes… (Ayyyy)

Will it saber? With a massive freakin’ Kenyan Spearhead? You bet your sweet bippy it will! GI Joe meets Funnest Bartender On Earth in the latest in the beloved YouTube series starring Matt Stache. (ManoloFood)

Arianna Huffington is so trendy! She’s seen here attempting to drain a media rival of blood. Bad news, Ari: you’re thirty years too late! (Lolebrity)

Caption Obama and his new best friend. Captioning iz hard, yo! (Crasstalk)

II, Claudius. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a sequel for everything. (AgentBedhead)

Can a blogger get a Like, y’all? Vote for sleepy Bee and win eternal gratitude and possibly backlinks! (BusyBeeBlogger)

11 things you did not know about Jennifer Hudson but were obviously too afraid to ask, right? I mean, she’s pretty intimidating since the Oscar and all, eh? God, that woman terrifies me. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cocaine is a helluva drug. This is not a repeat from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007… (CelebritySmack)

The Social Climber Formerly Known as Kate Middleton is not resting on her laurels. In fact, her laurels are shrinking. (CelebVIPLounge)

And the #1 thing you didn’t know about Jennifer Hudson: she was hospitalized today. (DailyStab)

Insufferable celebrity complains about insufferable celebrities who complain about people. Fuckit, I only click to Taylor Swift stories for eyeliner tips. (EarSucker)

Billboard becomes target. As Bieliebers descend upon convenience stores nationwide in hormone-crazed fugue state, actual magazine readers suffer. (FitFabCeleb)

Is your Bichon Frise a total Celine-diva? Your Rottweiler ready for prime time? Your Vizla good enough for The Voice? Yes, it’s an Animal Lip Dub video contest! (HelloGiggles)

Russell Crowe is no Roundhead! Team Cavalier here! In other news, if he ever tweets his penis we’ll all be able to pick it out of a lineup more easily, so thanks for that, Russ! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Put yourself in Shania Twain’s shoes. Literally. (HaveUHeard)

Selina Gomez is taking desperate measures to protect herself from Bieber fans. What, no “exhaustion” dearie? (HollywoodHiccups)

Ryan Reynolds is INSATIABLE! Yeah, it’s a clickbaiting headline. What, you expected more from me? (INeedMyFix)

Britney covers Madonna. No, it doesn’t mean that, you perv. Although I did think of leading with “Britney ON Madonna” as I’m all clickbaity today. (PoorBritney)

Goopy on Teh Ghehs. Because that’s ALL they need. (PopBytes)

48 sexy shots of Johnny Depp. In other news it’s Johnny Depp’s birthday, but why am I still typing? You’re not gonna read anything past that link, are you? (SwoonWorthy)

Shania Twain goes down. That’s a three-point landing the hard way. (TheSkinnyChic)

Sean Connery moustache you a question

imaj: FuckYeahAlbuquerque via OrganDonationsAccepted

Cannot be unheard. What does this man have against Polident, seriously? You KNOW what I’m talking about!

Well, if you don’t, these people do. Presenting today’s Hump Day ALL CAPS celebrity links:

The Masked Bandit of Chinatown a tragidramedary in three parts. Is one sexy masked Cary Elwes lookalike too much to ask, O Cruel Universe? IS IT, MOTHERFUCKER??? (raincoaster)

Social media trainer overcome by uncontrollable urge to self-promote in celebrity gossip roundup LAST CHANCE TO REGISTER FOR TOMORROW’S SOCIAL MEDIA WORKSHOP MOTHERFUCKERS! (raincoastermedia)

Mystery Sockster REVEALED! Did you guess the holey celebrity correctly? and no, I am not going to use the word motherfucker this time. Oh, damn. (Ayyyy)

DUCK AND UNCOVER: the Holy Hand Grenade Cocktail! Complete with 1200 words, several pictures, some cheap jokes, a YouTube of Bert from Sesame Street doing a Travis Bickle impersonation, and one recipe. (Manolofood)

DON’T TEXT WITH TEXAS or something like that. Remember when Lawrence Fishburne stopped King Lear dead and bawled out someone in the audience whose phone was going off? Yeah, this is like that. In Texas. (Crasstalk)

The HOFFSICKLE, BITCHES! I’d have to wash my own mouth out with soap if I put this in there. In related news, can you get chlamydia in your mouth? No reason I ask. (AgentBedhead)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE NAVARRO. He’s going to celebrate by marrying two lesbian strippers and starting a trend to smoke heroin from a corncob pipe while riding a tricycle. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Bimbo got back! Royal In-Law got second place. And EVERYBODY’s got too much eyeliner lately. Get offa my lawn. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Brigitte Neilson still ticking at minute 17 of her celebrity. Congratulations on your new I BOINKED THE SPERMINATOR newsworthyness after all this time. (CelebritySmack)

Coming soon: Jason Mraz engaged to James Franco. And ALSO probably confessing affair with Ahnold. (CelebVIPLounge)

Honest to blog, I thought this said Nicholas Cage’s son was hospitalized for Mental Evacuation. WAY funnier that way. (DailyStab)

Morning television just got a little nippier, thanks to Khloe Kardashian. Like, MANHOLE COVER levels of nippier. (EarSucker)

David Beckham WANTS Justin Bieber. I…I…uh… (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrities wearing the “Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey Chapeau.” MAIS OUI! Vieux Chapeaux sont le Dernier Cri et le Nouvelle Vague et c’est tout de mon Francais que je can remembre? BON! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Weiner eats crow, Fallon-style. This is NOT a gay porno, I promise! (HaveUHeard)

The hottest metal band you would never believe ROCK OUT! No, seriously, that’s actually them! (HelloGiggles)

My mother always used to say when you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. In other news, SOMEBODY BOINKED A KARDASHIAN again. (HollywoodHiccups)

This headline makes it totally sound like  zombie porn. Would YOU see zombie porn? I so totally would watch the hell out of a dirty version of Carnival of Souls. In unrelated news, where’d I put that DVD? (INeedMyFix)

Who cares if there’s no story here, it’s a picture of GERARD BUTLER SURFING, PEOPLE! (MathewGuiver)

The decorative and doubtless charming and erudite Matt Bomer gives me a LADY BOMER if you know what I mean and hey, I think you do. Yes, this is what I do for a living. Mother would be so proud. (SwoonWorthy)

A Champagne company sponsored an event where there were hot polo players and Hugh Jackman and DIDN’T INVITE ME??? That’s it, my publicist is fired! (TheSkinnyChic)